It’s been awhile since I posted. I have to be honest. Last year nearly took me out. I felt as if I was being spiritually, emotionally, and psychically assaulted by the news. Every story I heard, read, or saw made me wonder about the limits of my ability to handle it all. When I woke up, I was barraged with stories of Americans feebly attempting to validate their hate toward other Americans. On my way to work or play in my car- even when the station was not news-oriented- I was again assailed with instances of People of Color, LGBTQIA+, poor, under-educated, immigrant, women, and basically anyone that was not a white, straight, male, being made to feel as if their lives were on loan, and that at the whim of the President Snows of the day (Hunger Games reference), their very breath could be sucked out of their bodies. Once at work, my job was to help create spaces and learning opportunities, where community members could at once feel whole, while being challenged to listen to the experiences of those whose existences are wrought with struggle, simply because America has consistently chosen to side with and support oppressors.
So, I took a breather. I wanted nothing to do with the fight. I didn’t want to watch or listen to the news. I didn’t want to see an American flag, much less listen to people who mindlessly recounted how America was the greatest country in the world. I wanted to breathe free without having to fight for breath. I wanted to stop looking at my children in fear, while telling them how powerful, brilliant, strong, and valuable they are. It was then that I was reminded of Audre Lorde’s quote, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” Political warfare.
I thought of the instances when people asked me about my locs and why I chose to grow locs instead of keeping my hair straightened. “Are you trying to make a political statement?” I thought of people’s questions about my children’s non-European/non-Western names. “Naming can be very political.” I thought of marriage and job options and how politics was wrapped in those choices, or lack of choices where they’re concerned. But self-care? How could that be political? Rather, why SHOULD it be political? Then I re-membered my body and history in this country.
As a self-identified woman, and Black woman at that, my body has never been seen as neutral in America. I embody politics in the most raw sense of the word. The think pieces about Rihanna’s Fenty line are a reminder that the skin I’m in is not inconsequential. That many people walk by J. Marion Sims’ statue at one of The Central Park entrances with zero clue of who he was, and how his medical racism continues to infect the life-chances of Black women and babies is shameful, and serves as a reminder that the care of a body like mine, in America, has never been a consideration for America. Therefore, when I choose to ignore emails, texts, and phone calls, as a means to recharge, it is not for lack of conviction about fighting for equity, inclusion, and justice. It’s because I can’t give what I don’t have. I’d lost hope. And even when I thought I was getting it back, Devlish Devos and Diablo-in-Chief decided rape was a myth, and dreamers deserved deportation. So, I had to sit out a little longer. Inspirational author Alan Cohen said, “There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.” And I rested. Now, I’m back.
What am I going to do now that I’m back? I’m going to think about the ways in which we teach the oppressed to pacify the oppressor, instead of fighting systems of oppression. I’m going to teach students, teachers, and parents to recognize that hiding their truths does not erase inequity, and might actually serve to bolster it. I am going to stop limiting the God-given freedom of my teen son, due to my fear that a police-state sees him as a threat, and I will continue to speak out against a system of policing that is permitted to stop, question, and frisk Black and Brown children, as if their bodies are the definition of reasonable suspicion. Most of all, I will remember that I cannot re-member my mind, body, and soul, if I don’t choose to take a rest sometimes. Rest- that I must do, but I will never quit.
